Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Randomize
