Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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