I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
