Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
