Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
