It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
