My friends, they love my intelligence
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
