Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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