there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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