I wish I could punch you in the face.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
What drink are we having for lunch?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
