My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
