I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
