Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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