btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
