Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
