every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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