take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
