Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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