Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
