Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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