he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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