Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
third nipple confirmed
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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