and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
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