Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
