But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize