just come out here and I will go home with you...
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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