so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
