dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
