I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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