I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
