I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
