This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
