Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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