he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
