Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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