I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
