If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
