I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
