i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I need to calm my uterus...
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
