flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
