I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Randomize