I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
