i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
