Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
