I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Success! We fucked roommates!
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
