New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
