I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
