he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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