Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
