im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
