I heard we made out
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
