Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
