and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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