Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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