peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize