There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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