mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize