if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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