Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
