ya dads aren't the best wingmen
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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