So drunk its hurt
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Randomize
