the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize